Quick to give up, too stubborn to do so.

Jan12

The first week of my “new” life has definitely been a rocky one. I did learn a few things, which I plan to cover in this journal.

The past 6ish days I’ve been documenting my meals, as I had mentioned in my previous blog (will post YouTube link at the end of this blog). So far so good, I’ve at least noticed what issues I do have with food. As well as what issues I have in my life in general. Telling my YouTube subscribers that I would not be  revealing my weight until the 27th, I promised myself that I wouldn’t cheat and check it early. But, I broke that promise and checked it several times. What I found not only annoyed me, but also made me realize that I need to take this a lot more seriously. Like my last blog stated, its time for me to be honest.

My weight has fluctuated most recently between 198-201… I’ve cut back on sodas as well as other junk food, I’ve also exercised a few times… Why am I not seeing any results… GAH I WANNA QUIT.  When I am in that dark place, where results are not instantaneous I feel like it isn’t worth it. That my life is fine the way it is, even if I’m not completely happy. Then that lil voice in my head screams at me “YOU FOOL, YOU’RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH! STOP BEING A BABY!” And I regretfully realize, that lil voice is 100% right. I’ve made some progress, I’ve actually started working out which is a huge leap in the right direction. So why am I freaking out? Have I finally come to that realization that I can no longer make excuses for myself? That I need to *gasp* become accountable?!?

And then it hit me…I have not had as productive a week as I previously thought. If I had to measure the dent I’ve made in this mountain of rubbish called my life… I’d say I just Febreeze’d the top of it, to shoo the flies away. I know exactly what needs to be done with myself, in both changing my lifestyle, and with moving on with my life itself. Crazily enough, the answer seems to be in my sleeping pattern. I’ve noticed that on the days when I woke up early, and had enough sleep, I was way more productive. And with this kind of situation I’ve put myself in, it’s either go hard or go home. I can’t have another unproductive year.

So, as I see it from this point my main objectives MUST be:

  • Sleep
  • Eating right
  • Structured Daily Routines
  • Exercise
  • School

This week I made two positive strides towards having a complete lifestyle change. First, I finally listed an item on Etsy.com. That alone is a huge deal to me. I’ve talked about selling jewelry and accessories on Etsy and Ebay for almost 2 years, so to finally post a listing is a major accomplishment. Second, I bought a GED book so I can study my math and finally pass that damn test. This is a huge turn of events also. I got a Barns & Noble gift card for X-mas, and this will sound completely contradictory but; instead of being selfish about it and buying books I want but don’t need, I actually bought something that will HELP me that I DO need!

I think that this coming week will be much better. Just regain focus and work harder…

I got this!

 

Etsy Listing: http://www.etsy.com/listing/89981506/charm-bracelet-chinese-new-year

The first time I’m being honest, honestly.

Jan4

My life up until this point has been an utter fraud. I’ve lived with the knowledge that I am doing, and saying things beyond my means. Expectant -quiet vehemently- on the acceptance, of not only my family, but people who quite frankly should not matter to me. Now, all this being said, I’ve not lead an entirely charmed life. Between drug addicted parents, a family who has difficulty accepting my quirks, a self deprecating personality, as well as lack of motivation has left me basically stuck in a very monotonous existence. This blog is my way of trying in vain to take charge of this train wreck I’ve allowed myself to become a prisoner of, and finally get to my happy place.

Don’t worry. I will not be a cliche blogger who bores you with my back ground story starting with “Once upon a time” or “When I was a little girl.” However every person has a past, and most of this recovery will not be possible without reflection upon the past. Rest assured you will not be subjected to many long winded endless entries whining and complaining. For this entry however, I will be hinting at some of my inner struggles. Everything will come more into fruition the as I continue to post. As a wise person once said “Don’t let yesterday use too much of today.”

Here goes…

Without giving too many details… I Fu*ked up. Point blank, no apologies. Never wanting to go to school when I was a kid resulting in my failing to earn a H.S diploma, which was just about 7 years ago now. I’ve signed up for classes to get this elusive H.S diploma, which has been insanely complicated due to my lack of ambition and ambivalence…Now I am preparing to take the GED test, which I am not very confident about. Im just not a motivated person, and am very lazy. As the main objective of this journey through this blog, and this life I’ve finally decided that it is time to focus my attention where it matters on the GOOD in me, not the bad.

90% of my life up until this point has been made up of me letting others walk all over me, as well as letting myself walk all over me. This year will be different, or at least that is the goal. As an only child I had to learn how to be my own friend. I’ve not been a very good friend. Here I am 24 almost 25 with literally nothing to show for my life except for a few unfinished art projects, and way too much time wasted watching MTV and on the computer.

I know that this journey will be one that is going to both break me and rebuild me at the same time. But it needs to be done, I wont let myself waste another year of my 20′s. As it stands now we have 362 days left until the new year, that’s a full 12 months to make a huge difference in my life, and maybe -if I’m lucky- whoever happens to read this blog. As a companion to this blog I will be making YouTube vlogs, mostly to chronicle my weight loss, but also to keep myself on track.

Within these entries my main topics will be:

  1. School
  2. Weight Loss
  3. Hooping (Hula hooping)
  4. Belly Dance
  5. Food/Nutrition
  6. Art
  7. Spirituality (both religion, and philosophy)

I think that should do it for this entry… I do not want to cover everything in this first entry. Thank you for reading.

If you’d like to follow my video vlog as well here is the link, http://www.youtube.com/user/xXShrinkWrapXx?feature=mhee

Namaste,

Christa